Saturday, October 11, 2008

This is Wes - A few weeks ago, I was assigned by my English professor to create a satirized and fictional news story based on current events. Hurricane Ike had just hit the coast and I wrote the following:


GULF COAST, TEXAS - The recovery is underway after Hurricane Ike left a path of destruction throughout the Gulf Coast region. It is estimated that over 20,000 residents ignored the government’s warnings; ignored recent history; ignored the pelicans and hermit crabs removing themselves to Oklahoma; ignored the deep-sea oil platforms tumbling toward them from the far horizon; turned off the basic animal instinct for survival and determined they would “ride this one out”. It is also reported that 20,000 residents simultaneously dialed 911 the moment that Ike made landfall and they found themselves up to their mullets in seawater and that their roofs were being sent airmail to New Jersey. At that point, frustrated authorities could only instruct these intrepid souls to use indelible pens to write their social security numbers on their forearms and the words: “I am a moron” on their foreheads.

Survivor Blain Gotnowitz spoke with reporters after first responders, comprised of rescue crews and personal injury attorneys, risked their lives pulling him from the churning waters of Galveston Bay. “I had no idea that my 1962 Airstream trailer would not be able to withstand this hurricane. The government warnings were so ambliverous that I didn’t realize I should have packed up my woman, seven kids, three dogs, and guinea pig and left town.” When asked about his understanding of the words “Certain Death” Gotnowitz replied, “That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Those warnings were to people who live on the Gulf COAST. They shoulda also warned us folks who live a couple of blocks OFF of the coast! How were we to know?”

Initial estimates for Mr. Gotnowitz’s neighborhood showed that the hurricane had inflicted over 10 million dollars worth of improvements. When told that the island would have no running water for weeks to come, Gotnowitz was unconcerned. “Heck, we don’t need no hot showers to clean up. Why, the sheriffs department just told me that my wife and kids have already washed up on the beach!”

So far, the EMTs, firemen, and attorneys had been unable to locate all victims but greater help is on the way. Tomorrow will bring the chilling howls of the cadaver dogs among the dead and of Jessie Jackson among the survivors. The hurricane winds are gone. The hot air has only just begun to blow.


Brenda E said...

It is pretty funny, and yet there is some truth to the frame of mind people seem to have at times like this. What are they thinking?

Kim Miller said...

I love it! You are so stinkin' creative!

Marisa said...

You should apply to be a writer for one of the Comedy Central news spoofs! Very funny!!!

Jessica said...

You crack me up! (want to write my assignments?)